Goofball Jones

My wife and I and our 15 year old son went over to my in-laws house for Memorial Day yesterday. Living with my in-laws are my wife’s sister and the father of their baby. I’m not sure what else to call him because she seems ambiguous to him at best. I suppose “boyfriend” can be used, but since the only clue that they’re a couple is the product of their supposed love-making, I don’t want to presume. Calling him simply the “sperm donor” would be a little harsh, even for me.

My in-laws themselves are polar-opposites of each other. My father-in-law is the type of guy that would literally give you the shirt off his back…a real sweetheart. My mother-in-law though is the closest incarnation of Endora from the television show Bewitched as you can get. She fits the stereotype of bad mother-in-law to a tee…and I think she relishes her role. Needless to say we don’t get along, so I’m not sure why I just wrote it. 

My in-laws also like technology…but only in an esoteric sense, as they have no idea how to work any of it. They’ve had a wide-screen LCD TV for a few years now but they still haven’t understood the concept of “aspect ratio” when watching programs. They’ll watch a regular TV show that’s in the ratio of 4:3, yet fill it out to the full width of the screen…making everyone look stretched out. While I’ve tried to point this out to them, they say they don’t like the wasted space on the sides if they don’t. It’s almost like they want to say: “We paid extra for that wide screen and dammit, we’re going to use it!” 

So it was no surprise yesterday when we walked in the aspect ratio was off kilter. But they had gone an extra step this time. They had on the movie The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly which was being shown in anamorphic wide-screen. But they had somehow gotten their TV to swash even that. So even though it filled up the width of the screen, it was in ultra letterbox or something. One hit of the button the remote returned it to “original aspect” and it looked fine. Yet they had been so used now to everything looking squashed, they said it looked wrong. So the put it back and Clint Eastwood returned to looking like a hobbit with a cowboy hat.

I just kept my mouth shut at that point because there was no reason to try to explain, as it was obvious I was the only one that even cared. My wife said later what’s the big deal…and I guess she’s right, what is the big deal? I guess I strive to be right all the time that when I see something wrong, I make an ass out of myself telling them they’re wrong. Alienation, my constant companion.

So again, I kept my mouth shut. And when I couldn’t keep it shut, I kept it stuffed with hotdogs and hamburgers which always seem to turn cold mere seconds when they’re taken off the grill. In this house you have to get what you want to eat right when it’s made because they put all the food away 5 minutes after they set it out. I’ve literally been in the kitchen with a full spread of food laid out and filled my plate up, but when I come back for seconds it’s as if the food had never existed. The kitchen is spotless and everything has been put away. I’ve taken to just filling up two plates of food for myself to make sure there’s still something left out for seconds. It’s like you load up your supplies before heading out into the wilderness. It might also be the reason why I’m 300 pounds.